Last night I had a fire. I had worked all day on a 36x48"... never mind the weeks that went in to it before. My ego fought with a poorly planned composition, sometimes passion gets in the way of planning. By 9pm, I knew it was going everywhere but forward, it would be a piece that tortured and tested me but would never be finished, because it was never meant to be. So, I headed down the hill, lighter in one hand, painting in the other. There were a few more that I felt were not up to my standards of quality that joined the sad parade. It hurts to destroy something that has taken so much of my time and energy... it's a deep sadness, at least that's how the fire starts. As canvas burns, the energy shifts, focusing less on my failure and more into the smoke that emerges, a sacrifice to the art gods. A painful offering with the hope to shift the tides of creative expression. The idea of the painting is released through flame and smoke, rising up. It is released to come back in a new form. Hopefully to me... but the idea is free to roam and fly, to whomever it chooses to land on. I've let it go.
For me, art doesn't follow a linear path... a painting isn't start-middle-finish. A painting might be destroyed and come back in another form, I might start one and then 10 more and go back to it, start 5 more and finish, or let it go. There's no set time in how long a painting takes... it could be years of ideas being released and finally, a dozen burnt paintings later, the painting that was meant to be emerges freely and fluidly.
As the last of the canvas burned at midnight, I felt a clarity and closeness to who I am as an artist, and what I choose to let emerge into this world. After all, when I die, I only want the best of my work to be left behind. My focus is quality. Not for what others think about quality, but what I think of quality, and what I want to say as an artist in this one and precious life. I woke up this morning with a sense of freedom, that anything is possible. Walking into my studio today feels like stepping into somewhere familiar, yet entirely new... a place no longer defined by the past, but wide open to who I’m about to become.